the fantasy of a clean slate in relationships
Yesterday, I read Apollo's blog post "A short thought on betrayal" in which they use the metaphor of an increasingly crumpled sheet of paper for the wear and tear of a relationship over time. The idea was that, while it's normal to develop creases and folds over time, significant betrayals result in so much tangible damage that it risks shredding things apart altogether. At a certain point, walking a way is a pain-mitigation strategy best taken for all parties involved.
Over the course of several years, my ex developed a pattern of attempting to break things off, changing his mind, coming back, drifting again, coming back, etc. Between these times, one common refrain was the desire to have a clean slate and start over again. Indeed, even now that I am filling out divorce forms, he has still expressed a desire to start his life over somewhere else separate from the mistakes he's made. It feels like a fantasy that was so deeply compelling to him that he forgot that real human beings have feelings and memories that are so deeply ingrained within us that they surface consciously and unconsciously, physically and mentally.
In short, there is no clean slate. And, as Apollo mentioned, I'm not trying to be cynical or dishearten anyone navigating relationship betrayal (romantic or otherwise.) I really do believe that, with counseling, and a lot of communication and rebuilding of trust, that people can work through betrayal and have a healthy and happy future ahead of them. But that's hard. It means confronting the worst parts of yourself. It means confronting the worst parts of your partner. Loving yourself when you betrayed someone, loving someone who betrayed you, both of these are very difficult to do.
Part of the problem is that when a betrayal occurs, there are clear divisions: one betrayed and one was betrayed. That doesn't mean that both didn't contribute problems to the relationship; for full transparency, I was far from a perfect partner and I have adjusted a lot of my behavior and self-awareness since being on my own. However, when one person handles their problems by committing an act of betrayal, in whatever way that might manifest, that is an act of relationship abandonment. Returning to the metaphor, they are actively choosing to damage that paper. Maybe there were some crinkles and smudges already, but the damage they have inflicted is much more one-sided and severe.
I poured so much of myself into trying to salvage a piece of paper. And it was only clear to me in hindsight just how futile those efforts were. While I try to live my life without regrets, I would use the knowledge that I have now to discourage someone else from putting themselves through what I did.
Letting go is extremely difficult for me. My brain thrives on what-if scenarios, for better or worse. Even without that piece of paper, I'm still carrying and processing all of the pain that was inflicted upon by extension of the betrayal. But doing it on my own has brought with me clarity that I could not have while being in a constant yo-yo of uncertainty: will they change, will they repeat past behavior, will they change, will they repeat past behavior.
Personally, I don't understand the fantasy. Even if I had never been in this relationship, I would not be a clean slate. I always carry with me all of the experiences I have had up until this moment: the joys, desires, sorrows, pain. If I start seeing someone again in the future, there is so much of me for them to meet, understand, and accept. Why would I want to wipe the slate clean and pretend that I have never been through anything in my life ever?
And that's the rub: the betrayer wants the fantasy because they did something they are running away from. Despite being the betrayed party, I spent a significant part of the past two years working on a lot of internalized shame and it's astonishing to me when someone who legitimately has done something that might warrant even a fraction of what I felt toward myself would prefer to just run away from that.
So, yeah. Crumpled papers, broken hearts. Don't get swayed by the fantasy. It's much better to mend yourself.