my birthday - or a brief intention for my late 30s
Despite having to go in for work, this is the first birthday I haven't been flooded with anxiety for a long time. It's not about getting older as I have felt relatively neutral about aging compared to many of my peers. But I have spent the last few years in a depression fog that intensifies around my birthday. This isn't where I thought my life would be at this point: leaving teaching behind (for now), moving back in with my parents, processing a divorce. I would look to my birthday to serve as a beacon of light in the dark, which put so much pressure on it to be meaningful that I typically ended up disappointed. Worse still, I felt undeserving of something even better.
Today, I went to work.
For once, it felt refreshing to know this would be a relatively ordinary day. And there were still little delights sprinkled throughout that came up organically rather than being forced through scheduling.
I picked out a makeup bag and wore eyeshadow for the first time in ages (heat + depression) and it felt like coming home to myself - all sparkly and colorful. When I got home, I immediately swapped some of the colors out so that I can do another look tomorrow.
My younger brother and I have been writing each other Um Actually styled statements (spot the thing that is incorrect) and today he brought in our first Shiny Prompt, which was a lot of fun to do. It was based on potion recipes from various pop culture movies and books.
At home, I chatted with my family, ate some birthday pie, and opened presents. Then I decompressed with my cats before ordering dinner from a favorite local curry place.
Andromeda, a close friend who runs the jewelry shop nova eighty five, sent me a photo of the necklace they made me and I am SO excited to receive it and take lots of pictures. It will be perfect for a solo date to the aquarium. I requested sea witch vibes and they delivered in kind.
I have a good feeling inside that the next decade will be the best one so far. In this moment, I feel kinder and more supportive of myself. I know that with my history of depression that this feeling probably won't last forever, and there will be moments where I will feel anxious and critical, but I want to hold onto this love and gratitude.
