a little fall of rain helps my depression go down
Where have I been? Seasonal depression.
I know that most people associate that with longer, darker, colder days. Plenty of people I knew in WA struggled a lot of Seasonal Affective Disorder, especially in peak winter when the sun would set as early as 3PM.
But for me, living in Southern California, it's the endless summer. Every time we had a brief window of fall weather, another heatwave would roll back in with temperatures climbing into the mid-100s. Coupled with my heat sensitivity from taking SSRIs, it meant that my plans each week were canceled one by one. My days were spent holed up in my room under the air conditioning, staring up at the ceiling, and wondering when the world was going to end.
That sounds dramatic, but the heatwave really triggered my existential feelings about the destruction of the planet, the smallness of my existence, the persistent passage of time. There was one day when I couldn't genuinely engage in anything that typically brought me joy and I paused and realized "Oh. I'm depressed."
Although El Nino has been hitting the coastal cities hard in Los Angeles, I'm far more inland where the rain doesn't quite reach us as dramatically. I just wanted a few minutes. Hear the pattering and slapping of droplets. Without a proper work break, I only stole a little bit of time with my head tilted back in it. Letting all the water spill over me. Relish the rolling thunder. Smiling each time the construction works whooped in response.
My depression isn't healed, but it helped to reconnect to the past me who would stand in a thunderstorm with arms outstretched, splashing in puddles until it soaked up to their knees. There was a me that was happy and I can be happy again.